Call Now!! I Can't Do This All Day....

It's no secret that I am fascinated with infomercials. The psychology of the "as seen on TV" industry is nothing short of amazing. The formula is simple; take one part everyday task, add some old fashioned ineptitude and sprinkle on some clever marketing. The results are as unmistakable as they are amazing. A multi-billion dollar industry built upon the subtle notion of creating complex solutions to the world's most pedestrian problems.

If I have learned one thing, it is that if you are attempting even the most simple, mundane task (chopping vegetables, hanging clothes in your closet, reaching for things), the chances of you looking completely incompetent while doing so are close to 100%. Because you won't just fail...You will fail in spectacular fashion; in black and white, hair strewn about, barely clinging to your last shred of sanity and dignity.


Is chopping half an ounce of vegetables,wiping up a spill, or deskinning a clove of garlic really worth the trouble? Of course not, that's why we have created an entire industry of Rube Goldberg-esque products.


It doesn't matter if you are making a smoothie, grating cheese, or glueing your pants back together, nothing symolizes the "American" ideology more than an over-engineered solution. Now we can all stand back and bask in the mighty glow of our ingenuity.


And if you place your order in the next twenty minutes, you can bask at night with the new HD Night Vision Wrap Arounds.

Somewhere, Richard Karn's career sputters in idle...

I just watched the season premier of Pitchmen which I had recorded last week, Anthony Sullivan kept talking about how much he missed Billy Mays... I think what he meant to say was that he missed all the times that he and Billy did rails off of hookers asses... Just before being set on fire, Sully remarks, "Billy would never have done this." What I think he meant to say was, "Billy would never have done this without snorting an 8 ball." Which begs the question, was Billy May's drive to sell white powdery products driven by his affinity to consume white powdery products?




Moving on to another substance abuse related topic, I seldom pay attention to the pharmaceutical commercials, but once in awhile the list of side effects catches my attention. Especially when the possible side effects include psychosis and suicidal thoughts, as it is with smoking cessation drug Chantix. And this is on top of the "regular" side effects of: constipation, gas, headache, increased appetite, nausea, stomach upset, strange dreams, taste changes, and vomiting.


Chantix, and suicidal side effects? Sounds like a great way to stop smoking... But wait, there's more!!! In "...And Another Thing's" version of "Six Degrees of Separation" we come to find Chantix shares the FDA's feared "Black Box Warning" with it's commercial cousin, Glaxco's smoking cessation drug Zyban. Zyban, perhaps coincidentally, shares its active ingredient and blackbox warning with the antidepressant Wellbutrin. So in convoluted irony (my favorite kind of irony), we find that the antidepressant Wellbutrin, has the potential to fuck you up even more than watching "The Wizard of Oz" in sync with "Dark Side of the Moon" while looking for hanging munchkins.

Who said we needed healthcare reform?

Before I forget, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller personally emailed me on behalf of an overseas lottery to congratulate/let me know that it was safe to claim my jackpot. I hope I am not speaking too soon when I say, "Eff you, dayjob!!!"