I Forgot My Elevator Speech

I am thankful that I wasn’t born into this life as a salesman. Not a car salesman, or an insurance salesman or any other type of salesman. In my opinion, salesmen are the lowest form of human life. Well, maybe with the exception of tow truck drivers. But I digress…


I’m glad that I don’t have to face myself at the end of the day knowing that at some point I had referred to someone as “Guy”, “Sport”, or “Champ”. I will swear in a court of law that I have never given anyone the double "finger pistol”.

Now a sales exec will remark about how much money there is to be made in sales. While that may well be true, a porn star could make the same claim. And the truth of the matter is, to do either you really have to give up a part of yourself.

Passive advertising is different. If I see an ad, I get to freely decide if the item being advertised is something that I would like to own. What I don’t need is for this asshole with the Ken-doll head to try to convince me that I want it.

But you can’t get away from it. One second, you are walking along minding your own business. Then you see the five o’clock news guy….no wait…that’s a salesma-…damn it, I accidentally made eye contact.

Now the psychological warfare starts. How is this guy going to come at you? Is he going to run it straight up the middle with the vinyl siding angle? Or maybe he will go with the end-around, starting by telling me how valuable gold is becoming, and then blind-siding me with a forty dollar fake gold coin.

My very favorite are these so-called business opportunities. Before falling for this ask yourself one question: If this venture is profitable, why is this guy selling it to me? If you don’t know, it is because there is more money to be made by selling it to some shmuck than there is if the guy actually went through the “program” himself.

A couple of years ago, I actually attended one of these multi-level seminars to humor an overly persistent friend. While I was underwhelmed by the actual garbage they were selling, the people that put this conference on did a great job of putting the psychological thumbscrew to the attendees. The seminar started out more like a pep-rally. The hotel conference room lights dimmed as techno dance music filled the air. Then through a hastily erected PA system, the MC spoke:

“Do you work in a dead-end job? Do you want to change your life forever? Do you want to make more money than you ever thought possible?”

The pitch continued along those lines, and by the end of the deal, I sat in shock as these people were so pumped that they were practically throwing their money at these promoters. And if you were not on board by the end of the show, they really go out of their way to make it awkward for you by calling your intelligence and motivation into question.

It kind of reminds me of that week at Jesus Cult Camp.