Call Now!! I Can't Do This All Day....

It's no secret that I am fascinated with infomercials. The psychology of the "as seen on TV" industry is nothing short of amazing. The formula is simple; take one part everyday task, add some old fashioned ineptitude and sprinkle on some clever marketing. The results are as unmistakable as they are amazing. A multi-billion dollar industry built upon the subtle notion of creating complex solutions to the world's most pedestrian problems.

If I have learned one thing, it is that if you are attempting even the most simple, mundane task (chopping vegetables, hanging clothes in your closet, reaching for things), the chances of you looking completely incompetent while doing so are close to 100%. Because you won't just fail...You will fail in spectacular fashion; in black and white, hair strewn about, barely clinging to your last shred of sanity and dignity.


Is chopping half an ounce of vegetables,wiping up a spill, or deskinning a clove of garlic really worth the trouble? Of course not, that's why we have created an entire industry of Rube Goldberg-esque products.


It doesn't matter if you are making a smoothie, grating cheese, or glueing your pants back together, nothing symolizes the "American" ideology more than an over-engineered solution. Now we can all stand back and bask in the mighty glow of our ingenuity.


And if you place your order in the next twenty minutes, you can bask at night with the new HD Night Vision Wrap Arounds.

Somewhere, Richard Karn's career sputters in idle...

I just watched the season premier of Pitchmen which I had recorded last week, Anthony Sullivan kept talking about how much he missed Billy Mays... I think what he meant to say was that he missed all the times that he and Billy did rails off of hookers asses... Just before being set on fire, Sully remarks, "Billy would never have done this." What I think he meant to say was, "Billy would never have done this without snorting an 8 ball." Which begs the question, was Billy May's drive to sell white powdery products driven by his affinity to consume white powdery products?




Moving on to another substance abuse related topic, I seldom pay attention to the pharmaceutical commercials, but once in awhile the list of side effects catches my attention. Especially when the possible side effects include psychosis and suicidal thoughts, as it is with smoking cessation drug Chantix. And this is on top of the "regular" side effects of: constipation, gas, headache, increased appetite, nausea, stomach upset, strange dreams, taste changes, and vomiting.


Chantix, and suicidal side effects? Sounds like a great way to stop smoking... But wait, there's more!!! In "...And Another Thing's" version of "Six Degrees of Separation" we come to find Chantix shares the FDA's feared "Black Box Warning" with it's commercial cousin, Glaxco's smoking cessation drug Zyban. Zyban, perhaps coincidentally, shares its active ingredient and blackbox warning with the antidepressant Wellbutrin. So in convoluted irony (my favorite kind of irony), we find that the antidepressant Wellbutrin, has the potential to fuck you up even more than watching "The Wizard of Oz" in sync with "Dark Side of the Moon" while looking for hanging munchkins.

Who said we needed healthcare reform?

Before I forget, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller personally emailed me on behalf of an overseas lottery to congratulate/let me know that it was safe to claim my jackpot. I hope I am not speaking too soon when I say, "Eff you, dayjob!!!"

Heil Grammatik

I don’t know that I would consider myself a “Grammar Nazi”. I have been known to utilize a split infinitive or two. And my use of commas could, in fact, be considered excessive by some. I view my writing technique as a smooth and flowing, albeit not informal. Good writing should have a natural cadence, an intelligent feel, yet must not be arrogant or condescending to the reader.

With that being said, misused idioms absolutely irritate the bejeezus out of me. Here is one: When we say someone is “out of pocket” it means that there is a cost incurred at that person’s expense (i.e. out of their own pocket). Increasingly, I hear this being used to imply that the subject is unavailable or unreachable.

Me: “Yes, could I speak with Mr. Jones?”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, Mr. Jones is out of pocket at the moment.”

Me: “Do you know when he will be back in pocket, and whose pocket he will be in?”

Receptionist: “Sir?”

Me: “….”

Receptionist: “Sir, Mr. Jones will be out of pocket for the rest of the afternoon. Would you like me to forward you to his voicemail?”

Me: “…”

Here are a couple of others:

“Free reign” should be “free rein.” It means to operate without restraint, and is derived from allowing horses to move free from the burden of its reins.

“Waiting with baited breath” should read “waiting with bated breath.” Bated is a word that has somewhat moved out of common usage, and in this sense means “restrained.” The inverse of this idiom would be, “Don’t hold your breath.”

Here is a ridiculously exhaustive list of commonly misused words.

Top 10 Animal Attacks on Humans...

Seriously, I did't just make that title up. Time.com is running a slide show called "The Top Ten Animal Attacks on Humans". I thought the wording of the title was peculiar. They really don't elaborate on what makes this list the top ten. Is it the ten best animal attacks? Or is it the ten funniest animal attacks? Or the ten most ironic? The ten most gruesome?

Another fine example of sensational journalism... Oh look! And a link!!
The Top 10 Animal Attacks On Humans

I Forgot My Elevator Speech

I am thankful that I wasn’t born into this life as a salesman. Not a car salesman, or an insurance salesman or any other type of salesman. In my opinion, salesmen are the lowest form of human life. Well, maybe with the exception of tow truck drivers. But I digress…


I’m glad that I don’t have to face myself at the end of the day knowing that at some point I had referred to someone as “Guy”, “Sport”, or “Champ”. I will swear in a court of law that I have never given anyone the double "finger pistol”.

Now a sales exec will remark about how much money there is to be made in sales. While that may well be true, a porn star could make the same claim. And the truth of the matter is, to do either you really have to give up a part of yourself.

Passive advertising is different. If I see an ad, I get to freely decide if the item being advertised is something that I would like to own. What I don’t need is for this asshole with the Ken-doll head to try to convince me that I want it.

But you can’t get away from it. One second, you are walking along minding your own business. Then you see the five o’clock news guy….no wait…that’s a salesma-…damn it, I accidentally made eye contact.

Now the psychological warfare starts. How is this guy going to come at you? Is he going to run it straight up the middle with the vinyl siding angle? Or maybe he will go with the end-around, starting by telling me how valuable gold is becoming, and then blind-siding me with a forty dollar fake gold coin.

My very favorite are these so-called business opportunities. Before falling for this ask yourself one question: If this venture is profitable, why is this guy selling it to me? If you don’t know, it is because there is more money to be made by selling it to some shmuck than there is if the guy actually went through the “program” himself.

A couple of years ago, I actually attended one of these multi-level seminars to humor an overly persistent friend. While I was underwhelmed by the actual garbage they were selling, the people that put this conference on did a great job of putting the psychological thumbscrew to the attendees. The seminar started out more like a pep-rally. The hotel conference room lights dimmed as techno dance music filled the air. Then through a hastily erected PA system, the MC spoke:

“Do you work in a dead-end job? Do you want to change your life forever? Do you want to make more money than you ever thought possible?”

The pitch continued along those lines, and by the end of the deal, I sat in shock as these people were so pumped that they were practically throwing their money at these promoters. And if you were not on board by the end of the show, they really go out of their way to make it awkward for you by calling your intelligence and motivation into question.

It kind of reminds me of that week at Jesus Cult Camp.

Because You Have Nothing Better To Do...

This is the greatest song ever, now in regular rotation on my iPod.





Stay tuned for more...

There is Something Seriously Wrong Here

What in the name of Happy Meals and twisty slides is going on here?










Fill in the blank time:

Any one who wants to dress up an 8 year old girl as a transvestite should be____________.

Think about it for a moment...

If your answer is sterilized, then you are correct.

What kind of parent would put their kids through this? Some leather skinned, middle-aged, pill popper who lives in a tanning bed(in a McMansion, in some far away fantasy land)? Look lady, in your Vicodin induced haze, I'm sure you think that you are doing your kid a favor. However, you should use the pageant entry fees to pay for a quality mental-health professional. Using your child as an emotional crutch to live a vicarious life is wrong. And strange.


Thanks mom I'm having a great time...

There is no way that a child should get more make-up work than cooking-cyborg Paula Deen

This lady really gives me the creeps.

Oh yes, this is child abuse...