Holiday Survival Guide

I think it’s strange that the official start of the holiday season, the season of “peace on Earth” and “goodwill toward men,” is a day called Black Friday. Yeah, nothing says “Happy birthday baby Jesus” quite like a greedy mob trampling some sorry bastard to death in front of a Wal-Mart.

I have adopted a tried and true set of rules to survive the holiday season. I will consider it...seasonable... to pass them on to you.

For starters, if you are trying to traverse a parking lot on foot, your odds of living will be much improved if you are aware of the fact that most parking lots have no posted speed limits. Because of that, many people forgo the good sense to observe one.

If you are navigating a parking lot in your vehicle, please for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do not proceed to endlessly circle the lot looking for “that one spot.” You are not Doris Day, and there are always empty spots in the back of the lot.

Oh, while we are on the issue of parking lots, I’m going to let you know right now that I will be carrying a set of diagonal cutting pliers during the entire month of December. If I see you idling your vehicle five feet from the door of whatever store you are waiting for someone to exit, I’m going cut off your valve stems.

If you manage to live long enough to somehow find yourself inside of a store, good for you. But keep your head down, because we have a long way to go.

Stores can get a little crowded. With that being said, do not be that person that tries to push an empty shopping cart (or any shopping cart for that matter) down a crowded aisle. The aisles are only about 6-8 feet wide, and there is not enough room for you, myself, and forty other people to wedge ourselves through. As a matter of fact, just do everyone a favor and stay at home.

Should the event arise that you spot that last “hot gift item” within two hundred miles, resist the urge to gouge, kick, punch, or bludgeon it away from someone. We are civilized people here, and we should conduct ourselves with more dignity than that.
Note: Ignore this rule if you are shopping for me.