Home For the Holidays

I only get to make it back home a couple of times a year. And I love the time I get to spend with my family, but there is something that I have to get off my chest.

I remember the Christmas dinner at my Grandparents' house. There was a Big Table, then the Kid's Table. Those of us that sat at the Kid's Table never questioned it. We were far too interested in getting back to what we had just spent the morning unwrapping.

But now that I am older, I am more aware of the ebb and flow of family politics. I put in at least twenty years at that Kid's Table. Twenty Christmas's worth of shin kicking, and reaching, and other unmentionable things that happen away from eye and earshot of the adults.

And at the age of 22, I finally, and triumphantly, arrived. The ultimate goal of sitting at the Big Table was finally realized.

But now something is amiss, My victory, my rightful position at the Big Table, is tainted, sullied by this seven year old...this upstart. She has no idea of the time, the years that I languished away at that Kid's Table. She just shows up, then Bam! The Big Table? Are you kidding me? How did she do it? Does she have dirt on Grandma? Did she threaten to drop dime on one of my aunts? Is she gunning for my spot, relegating me back to the Kid's Table? Or worse yet, is she trying to get rid of me altogether?

Just when I don't think I will ever figure it out, she looks up at me with those big, brown eyes and says, "I love you Daddy."

Holiday Survival Guide

I think it’s strange that the official start of the holiday season, the season of “peace on Earth” and “goodwill toward men,” is a day called Black Friday. Yeah, nothing says “Happy birthday baby Jesus” quite like a greedy mob trampling some sorry bastard to death in front of a Wal-Mart.

I have adopted a tried and true set of rules to survive the holiday season. I will consider it...seasonable... to pass them on to you.

For starters, if you are trying to traverse a parking lot on foot, your odds of living will be much improved if you are aware of the fact that most parking lots have no posted speed limits. Because of that, many people forgo the good sense to observe one.

If you are navigating a parking lot in your vehicle, please for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do not proceed to endlessly circle the lot looking for “that one spot.” You are not Doris Day, and there are always empty spots in the back of the lot.

Oh, while we are on the issue of parking lots, I’m going to let you know right now that I will be carrying a set of diagonal cutting pliers during the entire month of December. If I see you idling your vehicle five feet from the door of whatever store you are waiting for someone to exit, I’m going cut off your valve stems.

If you manage to live long enough to somehow find yourself inside of a store, good for you. But keep your head down, because we have a long way to go.

Stores can get a little crowded. With that being said, do not be that person that tries to push an empty shopping cart (or any shopping cart for that matter) down a crowded aisle. The aisles are only about 6-8 feet wide, and there is not enough room for you, myself, and forty other people to wedge ourselves through. As a matter of fact, just do everyone a favor and stay at home.

Should the event arise that you spot that last “hot gift item” within two hundred miles, resist the urge to gouge, kick, punch, or bludgeon it away from someone. We are civilized people here, and we should conduct ourselves with more dignity than that.
Note: Ignore this rule if you are shopping for me.

I want my money back Time Warner!!!

I love the way cable companies sucker you in with these tiered package deals. It starts off innocently enough, Basic cable at a low rate. But from there, they progressively find ways to take more of your money and offer less incentives.

They get you with Advanced Basic, then Advanced Basic with Extended channels, then the HD package with HD-DVR. Before I know it, I am paying some $150 for something I hardly watch.

Eventually, you find yourself somehow signing up for the Premium Movie Channels with On Demand. Everything up until now has been tolerable to me, but this "Movie Channel" thing that I somehow let myself get suckered into is starting to get irritating. I seldom find a movie On HBO, Showtime, Stars, TMC, or Cinemax that I actually would sit down and watch.

Giving up on the channel schedules, I decide to see what is on the "Premium Movies On-Demand" service. Now these movies are free when you subscribe to the Movie Channels Package. But the selection is equally abysmal. I always look at the movie description to get a summary and to see how many stars the movie received. It is remarkable how many one or two star movies that these "premium" movie channels show between them. I am positive that Tim Allen is somewhere laughing at me.

I am thinking about writing an angry email to some important asshole at Time Warner. I'm going to let them know that I would rather fist a jar of mayonnaise than watch a Mario Van Peebles movie.

You Old, Cheap Bastard

I am getting older. I can feel it in the morning when I wake up. I can feel it when the weather changes. And I can feel it when I’m standing on my porch yelling at all the damn kids in my neighborhood.

There is no denying that the age that I feel is easily outpacing my “How long I have been on Earth” age. Speaking of age, I think I have found a way to accurately estimate a person’s age by counting the number of complaints they make per minute.

Take Andy Rooney for instance. By my calculations, Mr. Rooney is precisely 347 years young.

On the topic of complaints, one of my favorites is technology. The other day, it was pointed out to me that you cannot download a CD. It’s called an album. But I have been calling Albums “CDs” since 2002, when I finally stopped referring to “CDs” as “tapes”.

Yeah, I held onto the tape thing a little too long. It wasn’t until my car stereo had eaten all of my tapes that I finally broke down and bought a CD player. Even then, I had to use a “Cassette Adapter” in order to play anything. And somehow I still long for the days of low-fidelity and an auto-reverse function.

Video tapes were fun too. The other day my daughter was watching a DVD that had been on the receiving end of some particularly nasty childhood mistreatment. When the picture and sound started to distort, I instinctively told her to adjust the tracking.

A lot of this stuff is actually being considered “vintage” these days. So I dug out some old electronics, and I am pleased to announce that it looks like most of my Christmas shopping is done.

The Wonderful World of Bureaucracy

In my daily commute, I often listen to this classical radio station. Yes, nothing accompanies a profanity-laden, road rage tirade like Handel. Anyway, today as I was driving along, this station was broadcasting a city-council meeting. Now, you would think that this would make for quite boring radio. However, I sat captivated as I listened to the pomp and circumstance that you would expect with a close gathering of self-important assholes.

For forty-five minutes, I listened to the minuet of back-handed insults over topics such as zoning regulations and dog leash laws. Then something occurred to me: Government by its nature is a terribly convoluted process.

Here is a perfect example. Let's say for a moment that there is a resolution being discussed, now our lawmakers have gone through the motions (not a speedy process in and of itself) and now are prepared to bring the resolution to a vote. The vote ensues, then someone discovers that they either mis-voted, or someone had mis-counted...

The simple answer is to re-vote, yes? No. Now, someone has to bring a "Motion to Reconsider." That motion has to be seconded, then the motion has to be.... you guessed it, voted on. If the vote succeeds, then we have a re-vote on the original resolution. For those keeping score at home, that is three votes, to pass or fail one resolution.

It reminds me of an unattributed quote I remember from a long time ago.
"“The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy”.

To Blog, or Not to Blog....

If you are looking for an entertaining, new blog, you are in the wrong place. The search for blogtastic inspiration has driven me down the winding road from which, there is no return.

In a crazed attempt to amuse mostly myself, I have scoured the internet’s countless memes, inside jokes, farces, and rumors. All I have found is that I have become a walking repository of useless information.

In an attempt to unload this massive burden onto you, the reader, I have been considering a few ideas for upcoming changes in my blog.

First of all, there is this horrendous, self important title. The Electron Theory? What the hell does that even mean? Well, the electron theory in reality is a series of principles which govern the behavior of electrons. Beyond that, I just thought it sounded cool at the time…And it was a way to tie in my chosen profession with a completely unrelated blog.

I have thought about changing the name of this blog since its inception. “Blog Salad” came to mind, since I tend to throw in a variety of topics. The problem with that name however, is that salad and I are sworn mortal enemies.

“Blog Potpourri” also came to mind, for the same reason as “Blog Salad.” While I don’t have the same profound hatred of potpourri, The name still didn’t strike a chord with me.

I also figured that since a lot of so-called “experts” say we do our most inspired thinking in the morning, and I specifically do my best thinking during my morning grunt, I thought “The Log Blog” would be a fitting choice.

I could even have a catchy subtitle: Digesting The Internet, So You Don’t Have To

Or I could just play this Richard Simmons Soundboard Prank...

Music Appreciation in Places You Never Expected!!

Back before video games had cinematic quality soundtracks, there were the golden years of the 8-bit and 16-bit video game era. Much of the music from this period is an integral part to what made these games iconic in our minds.

Luckily these songs have not been forgotten, as there is a dedicated and talented group over at Overclocked Remix that have brought new life into classic gaming music.

The guys and gals over at OC Remix don't just archive cookie cutter gaming music. They have taken that music, banged away, and created hundreds of masterful musical interpretations.

Of all classic gaming music, the original Super Mario Brothers theme is the most iconic. Ninety-nine percent of people born in the 80's can hum the tune from memory. While there are countless remixes of this classic game tune, I picked this jazzy piece to share with you:

Super Mario Brothers- Jazz Plumber Trio


Punchout was another classic game of the 80's with an unforgettable soundtrack. Here a nice piano intro gives way to the main theme of the song about thirty seconds in. From there, the song develops into a fantastic layering of 8-bit sweetness.


Punchout- Dream Fighter


River City Ransom is a personal classic, as is this musical interpretation of the boss battle theme. As the title implies, this remix is done in the spirit of Rammstein, and it has "Du Hast" written all over it.

River City Ransom- River City Rammstein


These next two tracks are from the 16-bit era. And while they may not be immediately recognizable as classics, they are two of the best songs that I have come across.

Aquatic Ambiance is by far the best work of this group. If you listen to nothing else, you have to listen to this one.


Donkey Kong Country-Aquatic Ambiance



The original Twoson song from Earthbound is another personal favorite of mine. And while this track is not quite in the spirit of the original song, it is a well-done folksy style tune. The memorable piano melody has stuck with for a long time. This is also the first song that I learned on violin. This is another one that is worth the listen.


Earthbound- Twoson Hits The Road

Greetings From Nigeria!!!

Have you ever received an email from this guy?

You’re using the internet, so I’m guessing you have. The emails usually read something like this:

Good blessings to you my most loyal brethren:

The almighty gods of the heavens have rained down their good fortunes upon my cranial area. My pockets are showered with coins and bills bearing the markings of the great man who wears mushroom powder wig. I cannot possible spend such extravagant amounts of "moolah" alone this is why I have contacted your trueness......
I am nice friend to all American people. I have no sons to who i can spread my new wealth like butter made from cow. Not a goat. Or rat.....
I however cannot make any travels to your USA because of unfair prejudices and weary glances at my unkempt beard and turban. I dont enjoy the peltings of accusations tossed to my face by the airport security. so i must do all wheels and dealings online for my safebeing.
Please respond to me as soon as you have completed all morning rituals and grooming responsibilities. I look forward to receiving your very official bank routing number and social security digits. Please do not delay I have $400,000,000 just burning holes in my pants.
Good tidings,

If you are like some, you immediately went down to the bank and withdrew every last dime in your name to send to this most trustworthy fellow. And if so, that would make you a monumental sucker.
See?



This reminds me of two things. First, there is an old adage that goes like this, “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

Secondly, there is never a good reason to give a thumbs up. Ever. Well… Unless, you have just been the victim of some type of grievous accident, and you want people to know that you are cautiously optimistic of your survival. But other than that, never.

Not Swine Flu.... A New Livestock Related Danger Lurks

This real photo, taken by a redneck in Wisconsin, shows a very confused mammal of the bovine persuasion being levitated into an awaiting spacecraft. The cow known as "Maybell", was sadly lost this spring and was never seen or heard from again.

(Click image for larger view)

Laying on the kitchen table of his modest farmhouse, this photograph serves as a grim reminder to LeeRoy Darrell Maynard, as well as the rest of us, of the thousands of cows and other livestock that have been lost to senseless alien abduction.

Are they intergalactic pranksters, or just dairy lovers? To L.D. Maynard, it doesn't matter. After he finishes his breakfast, his old, leathery eyes swell with tears as they fall upon another, somewhat ironic, reminder of better times.

Chronicles of the Upwardly Mobile

I’m sure this has happened to you…

You’re sitting quietly on an elevator, on your way to wherever it is you are going. The bell dings, the elevator stops, and you prepare to step out like Neil Armstrong stepping first foot on the moon.

You may as well be on a distant planet, because more often than not, as the doors slide open and you prepare to leisurely stroll out, you are met by a swarming horde.

Whether they are running from something, or racing towards something, you can’t be sure. But one thing is certain: They are hell bent on making sure they get on that elevator before your sorry ass gets off.

It seems to not occur to people that when the elevator stops on your floor, there is a very high likelihood that there is some poor bastard inside that death-box that would like to get out.


There is certain madness in people that elevators seem to bring out. Try this experiment: Next time you are waiting on an elevator, watch as every single person who shows up to wait presses the call button. Yes, the button is already lit up. Yes, there are three people standing here that have already pushed it. But thank God that you actually showed up to show the rest of us with low mental acuity how an elevator is supposed to operate.

Now, on the count of three, let’s stampede this SOB before he can get off.

Richard Simmons' Exploding Steamer

Here is some vintage Youtube..

Dave doesn't seem particularly thrilled that Richard Simmons is hawking cheap infomercial merch during his guest spot.

They exchange a few barbs then things get drastically worse.

See for yourself...

Things You Didnt Know Your Bacon Could Do

Besides being delicious, here are a few things "The Other White Meat" can do.


Press button, receive bacon

Then...

Protect against swine flue

This man does not have swine flu...

Paint

"Figure with Meat" by Francis Bacon

Melt Metal

Click here to read about the bacon lance

Arrest you...

There is no Such Thing as a Parenting Manual

Until now that is...


Click image to enlarge.

From the book: "Safe Baby Handling Tips" by David Sopp

5 Best Jack-o-Lanterns Ever.

#5.Clever and well done



#4.While not exactly a "jack-o-lantern", this is still as ingenious as it is grotesque.


#3. This little guy is actually creepy enough to keep the kids away.

#2.This one is by far the best, due to the amount of skill that went into it...

#1....But this one has the name tie-in. That makes it number one in my book.

And The Award for Worst Hobby Ever Goes To...

Chubby Naked Dancer

Police are looking for a man who sneaks into people's yards and dances in the nude. Witnesses say that he is unarmed. But the culprit insists that he was just cold.

If you see him... Well if you see him it's too late.

In unrelated chubby guy news...

This man is very, very flexible.

The award for "Sweetest Ink" also goes the the winner of the award for "Biggest Dipshit"




This guy wins because he has put some combination of the words, "Mr.", "Cool", and "Ice" no fewer than seven times on his upper body alone.

Was this an attempt to promote a newly opened snow-cone stand? If it is, I believe that stand will be located somewhere in the Aryan nation.

Leave it to guys like this to make the white supremacist movement look strangely ironic.

Google Reads My Mind

Dead Clowns are no Laughing Matter

Recent Yahoo news article:

Dead Deer Dressed as Clown

Send in the Clowns


More photoshop hijinks...
the unfiltered picture can be found here

Who needs cable? Watch any show any time for free!!!

I know that sounds like a the biggest spam link, but this is the real deal. Project Free TV lets you watch almost any TV show online. The best part? No downloads, no sign ups, and no spam, just pick a show, pick a season, pick an episode and watch your social life go down the crapper...

Project Free TV

Ten Must Have Free or Cheap 3d Game Development Tools.

Here are ten cheap or free development tools for making 3d games. Don't let the cheap or free part dissuade you, these are all high quality tools.

10.TurboSquid A website with hundreds of high quality free and commercial 3D models.

9.CG Texture Website Not a tool but a web page packed with high quality textures.

8.Audacity A free audio recording and editing tool. Highly recommended.

7.L3DT Terrain Generator A very good terrain development wizard. There is also a pro version available.

6.Makehuman A very good human model generator. High quality.

5.Fragmotion This is a highly capable 3d animation tool. It imports and exports a bunch of 3d formats. The registered version is $50

4.Pacemaker A free 3d animation tool. I'm not too familiar with this one, but it comes highly recommended.

3.Gimp A free, full featured image manipulator in the spirit of Photoshop.

2.Blender 3D Modeler This is a very popular free 3d modeler that rivals the best pro tools. The interface can be intimidating, but it's packed with features and worth the learning curve.

1.3DRAD This is where everything comes together, and that's why it's number one on my list. No tool lets you build a game faster or easier than 3drad. And the best part is, it just became free!

Genius Mauled by Tiger

Here is a story out of Alberta, Canada that has me rethinking my stance on home defense.

Man Mauled by Tiger

It wasn’t the first eight foot high barbed wire bound fence, nor the second, three foot high fence. Not even a third fence was enough of an indicator to not dick with the wildlife.

It wasn’t until he was in the midst of being eaten by a 300 plus pound Siberian Tiger that an Alberta man had come to the realization that he had indeed made a very bad decision.

For reasons that remain a mystery, the 27 year old man, whose name is not being released, reached into the cage of Vitali, a two year old Siberian Tiger, where he was promptly gnawed on.

It took several seconds for his accomplice to realize that his friend was not just “joking around” before helping the victim remove what was left of his meat-stump from Vitali’s grasp.

Iran insists its nuke program is peaceful, Israel offers to oblige.

In an unprecedented show of goodwill, Israel has offered to assist Iran with its nuclear aspirations. The statement came just after Iran announced that its newly disclosed enrichment facilities were not yet capable of operating at full capacity. Israeli officials speaking on the condition of anonymity indicated that the Jewish state would be willing to supply Iran with enough enriched uranium to “power a million homes for a million years.”

Below is an artist’s depiction of an Iranian family enjoying the benefits of nuclear energy.

Adventures in Facial Hair

Are you tired of blending in with the crowd? Tired of going unnoticed? If so, this message is for you. Whether it’s a job interview, social gathering, or nude morning stroll, you should not leave your house without the dignified look of a full face-mane.

Friends and colleagues alike will be impressed by the classy look of our state of the art face wigs. Made of flame-retardant, space age material, you can rest assured knowing that our product has been subjected to the most stringent factory testing.

Men and women alike can experience new found confidence and respect with our prosthetic hair. Show your boss who's boss. Let that used car dealer know that you mean business.

Clip the ad from your local periodical and change your life today!

Innovative Puzzle Game- Auditorium

Click here to play Auditorium!!!





I found this game a while back. It is a puzzle game that is an innovative mix of music and problem solving genius. Thought I would share it with you all. Here is a lttle hint to save you from some frustration. you can drag the circles to change the angles of the stream....

Kimbo Slice vs. Mr. T

It’s not just because Kimbo Slice is the internet generation’s version of Mr. T. Or that Mr. T is the cable TV generation’s version of... Mr. T. Or one is a pop-culture novelty of today, and one is a pop-culture novelty from yesteryear. What I’m getting at, is watching Mr. T and Kimbo Slice fight would be like you fighting a clone of yourself, if you were the baddest person on the entire planet.

Kimbo Slice has become an internet celebrity for his you tube street fights. He has parlayed that success into a legitimate career in mixed martial arts, albeit with less success.

Watch Kimbo Slice murder this guy….

Mr. T should not need an introduction, because he is Mr. T. Truly impressive as a member of the A team was his ability to fire an obscenely inordinate amount of ammunition downrange. Even more impressive is the failure of said ammunition to hit anything. Ever. In spite of this, I have a well documented and irrational fear of Mr. T that originated in childhood. I find it particularly unsettling that Mr. T does not need to use a door to enter a room. Even if a perfectly good working doorway is available, it's easier for him to just kick a large hole in a wall than to walk through an already existing door.

Who I think wins: In short, I think Mr. T makes quick work of Kimbo Slice. Here is why: Even though Mr. T has pity for Kimbo, Mr. T shows pity to no one. He does not have time for Jibba Jabba, and will most likely just kick a doorway through Kimbo Slice.

Check this out; you will be glad you did.

Playing in Traffic

Living in the nation’s fourth largest metro area, Dallas/Ft. Worth is an adventure. The most interesting part about living here is that everyone had to be somewhere twenty minutes ago. I particularly enjoy watching people doing 80 in the far left lane, realize that they are about 100 yards from their exit,then dive bomb three lanes of traffic.

Oh wait, even better is when traffic backs up on the interchanges. Someone will invariably decide that they are a little more tired of waiting than everyone else and decide to hurtle their two ton death machine down either the merging lane or the shoulder

I have become adept at figuring out who these people are before tragedy strikes. Today, it was the lady in the Land Rover, multitasking with her conference call, her Campbell’s Soup on the Go, and her bank statements. The other day, it was the guy in the Suburban, using his cell-phone to bludgeon his steering wheel, blood pressure pills flying everywhere. And I can’t take my eye off of the guy driving with his knees while double fisting a Texas Triple Whopper. Or the guy in the H2, apparently racing to the next gas station to dump a hundred more bucks in the tank. The only thing I could make out in the fuel wasting blur was a “Support the Troops” sticker. How ironic I thought.

I do live in Texas, so I wonder if I could shoot back out of self defense….

For any music fan- Ronald Jenkees

If you are a fan of any type of music, you have to check this guy out. His name is Ronald Jenkees, and he has to be without a doubt, one of the most talented musicians around. You will be able to tell right away that there is something special about this guy. Over the past couple of years, he has become an internet sensation... and is definitely worth an extended listen...

Oh yeah, I almost forgot... This guy says he has only had a handful of music lessons in his entire life...

Courthouse Ghost Analyzed

Click images for larger view.

Yesterday, I posted the video of what appears to be an apparition in a North Carolina courthouse. I decided to scrutinize the video more closely to determine if the ghostly woman did indeed have a logical explanation.

I started by comparing a frame of the security footage with a frame of the news crew footage. The frames are similar, with the news crew frame being slightly to the right of the security footage. And both frames do appear to show the image of what appears to be a woman. Interestingly, I also perceived a slight difference in the angle of the apparition relative to the camera location. The apparition in the news crew frame seems to be turned clockwise slightly. I came to this conclusion by comparing the distances between the shoulder and hand in the two frames.





Looking closely at the two images, it appears that the apparition may actually be the side of some type of large rectangular object, like a filing cabinet. The light coming through the reflection in the window illuminates the side of the object, as you would expect, leaving the front and top darker... This seems to be more apparent in the darker security cam frame. Also worth noting in this frame is the slightly offset, rectangular shape that apparition takes.


With the possibility that this is simply a reflection of a cabinet or a similar object, I decided that I needed to do what i could to re-create the office, in order to find what could be causing the reflection.

Unfortunately, There were only a handful of frames with which to create a composite image:


Initially, The large printer in the center of the room stuck out to me as being the likely cause of the reflection. But based on the actual reflected image, The apparition's relative location to the reflected window, I estimate that the apparition's reflected image would have originated several more feet closer to the window (perhaps resting against the wall). Unfortunately the images are of such poor quality that I cannot with absolute certainty say that the apparition is actually a reflected image. But I am leaning closer to that conclusion based on my analysis. At some point, further and more thorough research should be conducted at this location.

Courthouse Ghost Filmed by Newscrew

I stumbled upon this amazing video a while back. A courthouse security camera shows what appears to be the ghostly image of a woman. Even more remarkable, a news crew on location investigating the claim captures the apparition if full color! This, you have to see for yourself...

The problem with evidence

Whether it is ghosts, UFOs, or big foot; evidence generally falls in one of three categories. I think the general consensus of researchers and investigators will classify research that is readily explainable as the lowest rung of evidence. On the next rung we place evidence that is inconclusive. And finally, on the top rung, we have the proverbial smoking gun, or Holy Grail.
Many researchers embrace and then present inconclusive evidence within the grip of a seemingly satisfied optimism. This is a huge mistake in my opinion. Holding up inconclusive evidence as valid evidence simply because it hasn’t been debunked is a serious disservice to our collective causes. Yet across the web, countless people are doing just that.
In ghost hunter circles it can be orbs and mists. In the uflology community it may be space debris or reflections on an awkwardly angled aircraft. Regardless, the problem inconclusive evidence presents is clear. The quality of the evidence is often so poor that it can’t be debunked. So, while that picture of a UFO may, by definition, actually be a UFO, It may also be a bird, and airplane, or your aunt’s Grand Marquis.
Inconclusive evidence is in fact the worst evidence. It is more worthless than debunked evidence simply because it lends no meaningful credence or forward progress to the discussion. It serves only to further cloud and already muddled controversy.
That is why as investigators, it is our duty to make every effort to debunk out own research. Being able to objectively analyze and challenge our work will increase our credibility as researchers.

Astronauts Encounter UFOs over Earth; recorded by NASA

I find this simply fascinating, Youtube user LunaCognita has posted several video compilations of NASA archival footage that appears to show instances of astronauts witnessing and discussing UFOs near the orbiter vehicle.
Some of the clips are of poor resolution (evidenced by the fact that most filmed objects are indistinguishable from debris), and some of the enhancement techniques are questionable. However, the audio clips are the most compelling part of the videos... Take a few minutes to watch these clips.